The International Olympic Committee has decided this week that the 2022 Olympics in Beijing will feature a new event, the gunthlon. The event would feature athletes running through a snow-covered course to occasionally stop and blast away targets with machine guns and hand grenades
“People enjoy the biathlon because it involves guns,” says committee President Thomas Bach. “We figured, why not just take away the part that sucks - cross-country skiing - and just replace it with more guns.”
The new “U.S. Gunthalon Association” begun recruiting athletes this past weekend at the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series. Prospective members were required to fill out a questionnaire:
“I love the idea,” said NASCAR fanatic Earl Baker, formerly known in Jackson, Mississippi as “Gator”. “I ain’t one for snow but I guess it ain’t nothing a couple [beers] couldn’t solve. When asked if he’d appreciate the opportunity to travel to Beijing he added, “I ain’t been to Japan before but sure I’d like to go represent America over there.”
According to international bookmakers, The United States have already opened up as heavy favorites to take all three medals in 2022.
If you're guilty of spitting gum in a water fountain, you need to go to confession and beg mercy for your sins.
It's been nearly a month since New Years Day and yet you've managed to keep the ultimate lie alive - you're going to get in shape. You read a couple of articles on the subject so naturally you're now an expert on fitness; hell, you even bought some powder that when mixed with water makes water more hydrating. You're ready. You get to the gym. It's the moment of truth.
You spot a treadmill and it's far more terrifying than how you remembered. You walk closer as it takes shape of the gateway to hell. Your vision blurs and beads of sweat begin to trickle from your forehead. You think you might faint so you reach for the nearest wall to lean on. Luckily you brought your gallon jug filled with hydration syrup. 'Hah,' you think to yourself. 'Everyone is looking at me like I'm an asshole for bringing my jug of Branched-chain amino acids. Thank God that guy at GNC packaged this stuff with my nitro-amphetamine pre-workout for only $79.99.'
After a replenishing swig you put the cap back on your BCAAs and regain your senses. There the treadmill sits, staring at you and mocking your entire existence. You stagger on top of the foul beast and ready yourself, prepared to pay the ultimate price. Everyone at the gym has gathered around to watch you - your heroics on display for all the world to see. Then just as you press the button to jog a moment of clarity hits you like a ton of bricks.
You'd rather try out the latest Oreo cookie flavor and watch re-runs of Bar Rescue then ever step foot on this hamster wheel again.
After three agonizingly long minutes of jogging you figure you might as well give the richter scale a break and end this fitness masquerade before someone gets hurt. You can't remember the last time your throat was this dry and stumble over to the water fountain. 'Oh dear god,' someone's left a piece of gum on top of the drain.'
A detailed diagram showing how water fountains work.
Experts predict - all while remaining anonymous - that by 2020 approximately 1 in 4 people will lack access to clean water fountains due to the perils of discharged gum.
This week, lawmakers from Illinois and New York have proposed bills that would ban tackle football for children younger than ages 12 and 13. Both legislation attempts are two of the latest efforts to help protect young children from the risks of traumatic brain injuries and permanent neurological damage later in life. Efforts have picked up steam in light of a Boston University study last year that concluded boys who play football before their 12th birthday have a higher risk of brain damage than guess this... Boys who don't.
I'm far from one of those giddy old men who think penalties and safety precautions are ruining the game. I've suffered a few concussions in my days of contact sports; including one while playing football in 7th grade that temporarily left me with the short-term memory of a goldfish. Concussions are no joking matter, nor are the efforts to minimize them in the brains of developing children.
But here's a crazy idea - why don't we leave this kind of decision to the parents and guardians involved? People get pissed when told how to parent - how is it any different when coming from a legislator?
Imagine yourself watching your child play pee-wee football and some guy in a suit approaches you. He introduces himself and cites how dangerous the sport is, going as far as to tell you that little Jimmy shouldn't be playing. The man then proceeds to walk onto the field waving his arms and yelling for all the kids to get off. You'd ask yourself, "who's this asshole and why's he telling my kids what to do?"
I was frozen in disbelief as I watched two homeless men come to blows over an 18-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
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