If you're guilty of spitting gum in a water fountain, you need to go to confession and beg mercy for your sins.
It's been nearly a month since New Years Day and yet you've managed to keep the ultimate lie alive - you're going to get in shape. You read a couple of articles on the subject so naturally you're now an expert on fitness; hell, you even bought some powder that when mixed with water makes water more hydrating. You're ready. You get to the gym. It's the moment of truth.
You spot a treadmill and it's far more terrifying than how you remembered. You walk closer as it takes shape of the gateway to hell. Your vision blurs and beads of sweat begin to trickle from your forehead. You think you might faint so you reach for the nearest wall to lean on. Luckily you brought your gallon jug filled with hydration syrup. 'Hah,' you think to yourself. 'Everyone is looking at me like I'm an asshole for bringing my jug of Branched-chain amino acids. Thank God that guy at GNC packaged this stuff with my nitro-amphetamine pre-workout for only $79.99.'
After a replenishing swig you put the cap back on your BCAAs and regain your senses. There the treadmill sits, staring at you and mocking your entire existence. You stagger on top of the foul beast and ready yourself, prepared to pay the ultimate price. Everyone at the gym has gathered around to watch you - your heroics on display for all the world to see. Then just as you press the button to jog a moment of clarity hits you like a ton of bricks.
You'd rather try out the latest Oreo cookie flavor and watch re-runs of Bar Rescue then ever step foot on this hamster wheel again.
After three agonizingly long minutes of jogging you figure you might as well give the richter scale a break and end this fitness masquerade before someone gets hurt. You can't remember the last time your throat was this dry and stumble over to the water fountain. 'Oh dear god,' someone's left a piece of gum on top of the drain.'
A detailed diagram showing how water fountains work.
Experts predict - all while remaining anonymous - that by 2020 approximately 1 in 4 people will lack access to clean water fountains due to the perils of discharged gum.