This “Hatchimal” toy scandal got way out of hand. After watching several Youtube videos of these creepy bird creatures supposedly soliciting sex, I have come to the conclusion that we all desperately need to get our minds out of the gutter. If you focus your attention on any indistinguishable sound enough times, you can make out whatever the hell you want from it. In reality we’re listening to these stupid toys which were obviously not designed to say “f*ck me”, and thinking “is this toy asking me what I think it’s asking me?” Sorry pal but just because your wife doesn’t want to sleep with you, doesn’t mean your daughter’s toy does.
Everyone hates the New Year's resolution fitness groupies and I fail to understand why. If some middle-aged man feels bad about himself for drinking two and a half cartons of eggnog while he had to put up with good ol’ cousin Larry's corporate promotion stories, who is anyone else to judge? Anyone who gets pissed off at these people clearly have not experienced the tortuous ordeal of entertaining their in-laws, so neither they or myself have any room to talk. So hey cousin Vinny, if you're that frustrated over having to wait a couple minutes before you can hit your lats, go buy a box of tissues and tweet about it; Or better yet, go hop in the tanning bed a couple minutes longer so everyone can mistake you for a large overcooked lobster
The day following the election I had posted on Facebook about the newly elected Massachusetts Essex County Sheriff, Kevin Coppinger. While there was (and still is) so much negativity surrounding our president-elect, I felt it was (and still is) important to turn some of that focus to our local state representatives, and in particular the Essex County Sheriff position. While Kevin “Quickdraw” Coppinger may seem irrelevant to everyone reading this post, in fact the entire fate of Massachusetts' Essex County falls on his shoulders....
Right off the bat -his first day on the job, his poise was tested by the dozens of journalists looking to preemptively strike against the county's last breathing hope. Swarmed by dozens of blood-thirsty reporters, he was asked about supplying inmates to help build a wall at the border of Mexico. Not wanting to entertain the thought that he's here to put up with anyone's hogwash, Coppinger gave the rest of Massachusetts a lesson in the "how not to put up with bullshit" department, basically telling everyone to go f**k themselves. "I have no intention of sending any inmates down to the border, I'm here to serve the county." And with that simple quote we know that Kevin will surely lead Essex County to greatness.
I speculate that Kevin instead wants to use our inmates to build a wall around Massachusetts.
With Wild Card week among us, here are my predictions for this weekend's matchups:
OAK @ HOU Spread: (-3.5) Favorite: HOU Despite a Carr-less Raiders team, the Texans are too damn underwhelming to win this game. While this OAK defense is by no means deep-playoff-run material, fortunetly for them they are facing the 75 million dollar man Brock Osweiler. The last time these teams met during week 11 at a neutral site in Mexico city (is this a neutral site? Was Houston favored due to their close proximity to Mexico, or do Mexicans still hold a grudge over Texas?), Carr was given plenty of time and room to pick apart the Texans secondary; enough time that even a rookie like Connor Cook could have gotten the job done. By no means will it be pretty, but Khalil Mack and these Raiders will get the job done in Houston.
DET @ SEA Spread: (-8) Favorite: SEA This whole "the Detroit Lions are mentally tough" thing will be squandered this Saturday night in Seattle. Don't get me wrong, I'm nothing short of impressed with how Matt Stafford has been able to led this team this far with nothing but Golden Tate, Eric Ebron and some white guy at running back... but you can't travel to Seattle with only that.
MIA @ PIT Spread: (-10) Favorite: PIT Featuring some garbage-time points, even this lopsided score will not reflect this onslaught of a football game. Tannehill, Matt Moore? Makes no goddamn difference. Pittsburgh has won 7 in a row and are hitting their stride as we speak. I truthfully have no idea how Miami has made it this far.
NYG @ GB Spread: (-4.5) Favorite: GB This game could go any which way and I don't see it being decided by nothing more than a field goal. This Giants defense gives me PTSD flashbacks of the teams from '07 and '11. Maybe it's just because I'm a New England fan - but I always expect the best possible outcome for this team during the playoffs. Eli Manning and his dopey looking face will sneak out of Green Bay with a victory. NYG 24-21